Enelis in the City – MTÜ Sa Suudad board member
The article was published on 29.07.2024 in the opinion section of Eesti Päevaleht https://epl.delfi.ee/artikkel/120310732/enelis-linnas-kui-sa-votad-mind-nagu-inimest-on-pool-tood-tehtud-mis-aitab-13-aastaste-rublikute-vastu
The recent events in Järva County, centered on two 13-year-old boys who, for some reason, spend their free time stealing cars and speeding with them, have caused me a lot of thoughts and feelings. Namely, these events have highlighted a sharp challenge for our society. These are young people who harm themselves and others around them with their behavior. In my opinion, this problem has two sides: on the one hand, fear for both young people and others whom they may endanger with their behavior, but on the other hand, the reactions and attitudes of adults towards these young people.
Understandably, the local community is concerned and demands that the problem be solved. People may be scared, wondering if they or their property could be next, or if someone could be harmed by the behavior of the youth. They wonder why children are not being held accountable and punished for such actions. I am glad that several specialists who have commented on the situation in articles have pointed out that punishment is not really the solution.
Namely, punishment and demanding it have the opposite effect than expected. Punishment does not address what is behind the behavior, or what caused it. In addition, punishment makes the child or young person feel that they are “bad”. What happens then? The young person begins to believe that they do not deserve better: their faith in themselves and hope that things will get better are shattered, and the actions continue and perhaps become even more dangerous. NB! No child or young person is bad, their behavior may be incomprehensible.
It is time to pay more attention than before to the fact that if a child or young person behaves in this way, something traumatic has happened to them in the past and it is very likely that it will happen again today. Behind every child or young person's behavior that harms themselves or others are deeper problems: for example, a lack of skills because they have not had a corresponding role model; worry; pain and/or fear. Even if these feelings are hidden behind behavior that puts them or others at risk. Such behavior is a young person's obvious cry for help: notice me, I need support. As one young person has told me: "Even when I tried to ask and signal that I needed help, I couldn't say out loud that I needed help.".
We can really help a child or young person when we delve deeper and understand what makes them behave the way they do, and offer them help and support that takes into account their past, current situation, and future prospects. However, punishing a child generally reduces positive prospects in the future.
So how do you do it?
The focus must move from quickly eliminating the symptom to looking deeper, to the reasons that have caused such behavior, and the focus must be on relationships.
It is important to explore the young person's story: who they are, what they care about, how they see their own problems. It is necessary to go deep into the young person's story: what and when has happened, or what has led to such events and such behavior. Over the years, I have encountered many situations in my work where children have behaved dangerously to themselves or others. In all of these stories, the children's previous traumatic experiences have emerged: profound neglect, abuse, constant witnessing of violence, or sexual abuse.
If we do not understand what has led a young person to behave this way and do not address the root causes, including the entire system around the child, we will never achieve the desired positive change. It is also important to recognize that all children and young people have their own strengths that need to be discovered. If these strengths are noticed and supported, the situation is more likely to change.
The young person must be seen as part of the system to which he or she belongs: family, loved ones, community. Cooperation with parents is key. Yes, I know, there are also parents who are not ready to cooperate, but, for example, the study of the life paths of children in closed childcare services* showed that not enough is invested in establishing contact with the family. Unfortunately, parents also often experience a lot of disapproval. Even if it is sometimes difficult to get a parent to cooperate, the effort pays off. For a child and a young person, their family is always important. However, if the parents' behavior harms the child and they are not safe at home as a result, a way must undoubtedly be found to ensure the child's safety.
It is extremely important that at least one adult establishes trusting contact with the young person so that the young person can and has the courage to talk about what has happened in their life and what they really need.
I believe that too little networking has been done in Estonia to support young people. The networking team includes various specialists who come into contact with children, and everyone has their own responsibilities in this network. It is also important to include the child or young person and their family in the networking. Networking does not mean a one-off meeting, but rather consistent joint meetings, collecting the necessary information and sharing tasks, and consistently supporting the young person (and their family). It should not be forgotten that the story of each child and their family is unique and there are no ideal solutions that work immediately: you have to try until the right way is found.
More broadly, these young people would benefit from earlier, consistent support and improved family services and support, including timely mental health care. In addition, stability is needed, as the constant change of specialists, including judgmental attitudes, creates distrust in the entire support system. As one young person said: “The system needs to have people who find time to listen and are focused on solutions, who don’t shuttle the child from one place to another.”
I imagine that many people reading my thoughts will think I am naive. I certainly am to some extent, but my work experience in the youth field has shown which methods have the potential to work and which absolutely do not. The attitudes, values and knowledge of the adults around the child are important, and the knowledge that communication cannot be built on punishment. As young people themselves say, it is necessary to be empathetic; to believe what they say; to really take time for them and listen to them (not just listen to respond), and all this must be done consistently. At the same time, it must be taken into account that the longer young people have been in adverse circumstances, the longer it takes them to change course in life. But it is certain that without at least one supportive adult who sets a positive example, this is almost impossible. And this is effectively possible when the entire network around the child has set the goal of really helping the young person.
I have recently spoken to several young people who have had high levels of alcoholism in the past while developing a program. risk behavior. It is very painful to hear unsupportive experiences of young people, for example: “Nobody listened to me and I was not allowed to speak, I had no chance to defend myself”; “I am arbitrarily pregnant, no one believes me”; “I was just accused, I was bad anyway, so I didn't care because I had nothing to lose”.
And when I asked what helped them, the following sentences were heard: “They listened to me, until now there was no one who would listen”; “They did not judge, it meant a lot to me. They did not impose their authority”. It is easy to condemn, but it would be much more effective to try to understand and act in a way that makes children and young people feel that they are important and that, regardless of their actions, we see in them, first and foremost, the child or young person who they are.
So I want to put it to everyone's heart: punitive methods that focus only on blaming, judging and condemning young people do not provide solutions to the deeper reasons that have led them to risk behavior. Labeling and punishing young people can lead to their further isolation from society and increase problems in the future. When we call someone a thug or a criminal, we have already put a label on the young person.
Behind every difficult-to-understand behavior is a need in the child or young person that has been, and most likely still is, unfulfilled. It is important to understand that punishment does not solve problems, but can exacerbate them: especially when we are talking about children and young people whose brains are still developing and who do not have the same understanding of the world as adults, because they do not yet have the experience.
An approach that focuses on understanding, listening and supporting is much more effective. As Assistant Prosecutor Annika Vanatoa pointed out in an article published in Eesti Ekspress, listening and talking are more helpful, e.g. in the form of restorative justice services**. Restorative justice principles such as Everyone has their own perspective, their own story; when our needs are met, we function best, and those most affected by events are also the people who can find the best way forward. Each of us can actually offer listening skills, a non-judgmental environment, and an empathetic attitude.
I have seen that great efforts have been made to provide children and young people with help and support that really helps them, but I believe that we still have a long way to go in terms of attitudes towards children and young people who do not behave in a socially acceptable way. Finally, another quote from a young person when I asked what would help: “If you take me as a person, half the work is already done”.
References:
* Life course study of children in closed childcare services (KLAT)
A study by Haap Consulting and Tallinn University, completed at the end of 2022, titled "Study to improve the system for timely identification and effective assistance of children at risk: lessons from the life paths of children in closed childcare institutions", was published. The study broadly covered the pre-KLAT period of children (and their families) referred to KLAT under the Social Welfare Act since 2018, as well as their stay in KLAT and their return to the community. The study can be read here: https://www.sotsiaalkindlustusamet.ee/spetsialistile-ja-koostoopartnerile/laste-ja-noortega-tootavale-spetsialistile/klat#uuring-riskilaste-oi
**Restorative law service
It is an approach to conflict that allows for the redress of the harm caused by conflict. It is based on resolution processes in which all parties affected by the situation actively participate, with the aim of healing the parties and creating safety. The aim of restorative justice is to restore the relationship that has been damaged by the incident and, if possible, to find a suitable solution. It also enables the perpetrator to take responsibility for their actions and make amends; supports and gives the victim a voice; and achieves future-oriented outcomes. You can read more here: https://www.palunabi.ee/et/taastav-oigus